


Cleansing

by sierraraeck



Series: Aundreya Chambers [9]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner - Freeform, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Smut, Aundreya Chambers, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Criminal Minds Family, David Rossi - Freeform, Derek Morgan - Freeform, Emily Prentiss - Freeform, F/M, FBI, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Original Female Character - Freeform, POV Original Female Character, Penelope Garcia - Freeform, Slow Burn, Smut, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Fluff, Spencer Reid Smut, The BAU Team as Family (Criminal Minds), bau, jennifer jareau - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:00:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29185926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierraraeck/pseuds/sierraraeck
Summary: Series Summary: This is a series following Aundreya Chambers and her experience with the BAU, Spencer, and trying to navigate the FBI as a high-profile criminal. And things get very messy.Chapter Summary: Spencer needs help dealing with his dealer. Both of them are required to take two weeks off and they decide to spend those two weeks together. Things get hot and messy and emotional. There’s a lot going on. Story nine.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), The BAU Team/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Aundreya Chambers [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2130924





	Cleansing

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing smut. Forgive me if it’s bad and I’d love to hear your feedback. Also, I know injuries don’t heal that fast but we are just going to ignore it.

About a week or so after Spencer and I talked about our problems, the rest of the team figured it out. Or at least I _assumed_ the rest of the team figured it out because Hotch figured it out. Well, all of it except the kiss. That no one knew about. And things would have been fine and we would have continued going to work as usual if Reid had just listened to me. But no, instead, he made a poor decision that led to us both taking a required two weeks off. 

* * *

A knock sounded at my door. I got up to check who it was through the peephole and saw that it was Spencer.

“Hey Doctor Genius,” I said as I opened the door to let him in. It had been two days since he’d confronted me and slept over. “What’s up?”

There was terror in his eyes, “I need your help.”

“Of course. What’s going on?” My own eyes got wider at his apparent panic. 

“The guy I’m getting the drugs from. He’s threatening me,” he said. I slowly nodded.

“Threatening to what? It’s very common for dealers to threaten certain things, especially if you are late on payment. Are you in debt?” I asked.

“No, no, nothing like that.”

“Then what?”

He hesitated. 

“Spencer, _what?_ ”

“I’m friends with someone who lives in the apartment complex he makes me meet him at. He’s telling me that if I don’t pay him extra, or get him information on the bureau, he is going to go in there and kill them, then expose me to the FBI,” his voice had dropped to a whisper and he sounded out of breath. 

“Holy shit. How’d he find this out? Do you visit this friend often?”

“No. I’ve actually never been to the apartment complex until he made me meet him there,” Spencer said.

“What? So how does he know they live there if you’ve never visited them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think he could be bluffing?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t think I can take that chance.”

I let out a huge sigh, realizing that I hadn’t exactly been breathing for the past couple of minutes. “Who’s your dealer?”

“He calls himself Koda.”

“ _Koda?_ ” I confirmed, “As in, _Da_ koda?”

“I’d assume so,” Reid said, nodding.

“Shit!” Koda was one of the old Cloak members that I cut when making the switch to my underground ring. He didn’t go easily, and vowed that I would regret that decision. I’d caught wind that he was doing pretty well for himself right before I went to prison, and by now he was one of the most well known drug runners in the northeast. 

“What? Why is that a problem?” the panic was rising in his voice.

“It’s nothing. I’ll handle it,” I said, already heading toward the door.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that this is bad, but I’m going to _handle_ it,” I hissed.

“I’m coming with you.”

I rapidly turned to face him. “No. You’re not.”

“Yes I am. And you can’t stop me.”

“You wanna bet?” This was a situation Reid was way too close to and way too underprepared for, and I couldn’t afford having him get in more trouble than he already was. He needed to stay behind.

“Please. I got myself and my friend into this mess. Let me help get us out,” his eyes were pleading. 

“Who is this _friend_ anyway?” He just looked at me, mouth agape. He was struggling to find the right words. “Forget it. But if I’m going to be sticking my neck out for this person, they better be worth it.” I shot my eyebrows up at him.

“They are,” he quickly confirmed.

I exited my apartment, Spencer on my heels. I shut and locked my door and turned to head down the stairs. When we reached the bottom I turned to him.

“I have one rule. You let me handle this _my_ way, and when I tell you to do something, you do it. Got it?”

“Got it.”

* * *

We reached a payphone, one that Spencer directed me to, and I unlocked the car doors to let him out. 

“You make the call like you would any other. You need to meet at the usual spot and act as natural as possible,” I reminded him. He nodded and got out of the car, half speed walking, half jogging to the phone. The call only took a minute or so, and he bounced back into the passenger seat. 

“How long?”

“20 minutes.” I nodded. I drove us over to the apartment complex, paying more attention now that I knew there was someone he cared about inside. Or at least he _thought_ lived inside. We sat in the parking lot in silence, waiting for the 20 minutes to be over. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, shaking his head, “I’m so stupid.”

“Reid, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t know any better. I’m just glad you came to me when you did,” I said. Yes, I was pissed that this was happening but he wasn’t to blame. He didn’t know the ins and outs of how these things worked in real time, and when it got too hard he was smart enough to ask for help instead of letting it get even messier. 

The 20 minutes were up. I saw Koda peek his head out from behind the building, but no new cars had shown up. _Good. He’s on foot. Which also probably means he’s alone._

“Stay here,” I said, leaving the car before Reid could protest. I reached a hand behind me, just to make sure I still had my gun, then walked confidently to the back of the complex.

When I turned the corner, Koda was grinning at me.

“Ah, Aundreya! It’s about time you showed up!”

“How’ve you been, Koda?” I indulged him.

“Oh, don’t pretend you care. We both know you’re only here to save your little pet,” he said, eyes getting bigger in excitement. 

“So, how’d you know I was going to be here?”

“Please, you’re fucking _everywhere_! I knew you’d show up eventually. You always do.” His face looked sour.

“True. You know how much I enjoy raining on your pity parades,” I taunted.

“I do. It must hurt no longer having that amusement.”

“Not really. I, too, have moved on to bigger and better things. I don’t care if you're some hot-shot runner. You’re still _just_ a runner,” I said, clicking my tongue and shaking my head.

“Yeah, and you of all people, are now just another one of the government’s bitches,” he said, mirroring my gestures. 

“Look, I’m not here to talk about our differences in life choices. I’m just here so you know to stay the hell away from my … _pet,_ as you so graciously put it.”

“Yeah, pass. He owes me, and I’m going to get as much bang for my buck outta this one. You understand,” he said with a wink. 

I scowled and cocked my head to the side. “See, that’s the thing. I wasn’t asking.”

“You don’t control me. If you wanted to, you should have thought about that six years ago.”

I rolled my eyes and my tone was demeaning. “Still on that, huh? You have _got_ to get over it. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you just weren’t good enough back then.”

“Yeah, back then. I’m definitely good enough now. Your loss.”

“If that’s what you need to hear,” I said. We stared each other down. 

“But to get back to the point, I’m not going to leave your boy alone.”

“Yes. You are.”

“Or what?” 

I smiled. I was hoping he would ask that. Before he could blink, I had his right forearm in my left hand, stepping my right leg behind his back. With my right hand on his side, I swiftly threw his entire body weight over my hip, and he hit the pavement with a thud, knocking the wind out of him. I held onto his right arm, now taking it in both hands, and put my foot down on his shoulder. I yanked his arm as hard as I could away from his body and he let out a screech. 

I bent over so I was closer to his face. “Or next time, I won’t stop here.”

I released his arm and watched it drop right next to his scrunched up face. When I turned around, Spencer’s jaw was on the ground. 

He wasn’t supposed to see that.

“What the hell!” I snarled. “I had one rule!”

He was stunned, his eyes glued to Koda, so I just grabbed his arm and yanked him down the alley that led back to my car. 

“Hey, Aundreya!” I turned around to face the direction of the voice. Time moved in slow motion as I comprehended Koda aiming his gun at us. With my left hand, I went to pull Spencer behind me and with my right, I reached to pull out my own gun. 

Two shots rang out, one quickly followed by the other, as both men collapsed. 

“Spencer!” I yelled, turning to him. He was on his knees and I sunk to mine. Both of his hands were clutching his right side, just under his ribcage. 

“I’m okay,” he got out between shaky breaths. I called 911.

“Spencer, you’re going to be fine, the paramedics are on their way,” I assured. 

He nodded his head in Koda’s direction. “What about him?”

Only then did I remember that there was someone else in the equation. I didn’t have to look to know that he was dead, but I checked anyway. I’d hit him right between the eyes. “He’s gone.”

I rushed back to Spencer and I cradled his head as more and more blood soaked his shirt. It started to seep through his hands so I placed one of mine on top, trying to apply as much pressure as I could. 

“Where are they, dammit!” _How could the ambulance be so slow?_

“You know … the average ambulance response time … is approximately … nine minutes … and twenty-four seconds…” he tried through labored breaths.

“Shh. Don’t talk. I’ve got you,” I said. The blood flow wasn’t slowing down any time soon, so I removed my hands from him momentarily to take off my jacket, followed by my t-shirt. 

“What are you-”

“Sh. I said no talking.” I ripped my shirt into strips, trying to make as many as possible that would also get the job done. “Move your hands.”

He obeyed and I quickly wrapped each one around his body, tying knots above and on top of his wound. I ended up getting five strips out of my t-shirt which wasn’t bad. I shuffled behind him and wrapped my arms around him like a sixth layer, pressing both of my hands on his side. I helped him lean back so that his head was resting on my shoulder. Shortly after, he added his hands on top of mine, both of us working hard to preserve as much blood as we could. We were frozen together, completely unmoving, both of us focused on his breathing. 

Seven minutes later, the paramedics finally arrived. 

“Miss, we are going to have to ask you to move aside,” they told me. But I couldn’t. I was firmly planted where I was, unable to force myself out of the way. “Miss?”

Spencer tilted his head slightly to look up at me. He attempted a small smile and nodded. “It’s okay. They’ve got me.”

I nodded at him, then the paramedics, and reluctantly gave up my spot behind him so they could help him. I winced when I saw them hoist him onto a stretcher and load him into the ambulance. 

I had tunnel vision focused on Reid.

“Miss?” I jumped. “Is this yours?”

A young, blonde haired man was holding up my jacket. “Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks.”

“You did a great job. Those knots saved him a lot of blood.”

“Thanks,” I repeated. He smiled at me and placed a quick hand on my shoulder before getting into the other ambulance that had Koda’s body covered with a white sheet. 

* * *

When I arrived at the hospital, the rest of the team had beat me there. I called them before I got into the car, following the second ambulance.

“Oh my god! What happened?” Penelope asked. She already had tears in her eyes. 

“This guy was threatening Reid, so I went to talk to him about it, and he pulled his gun on us,” I quickly explained. They didn’t have to know about the drugs.

“Jeez,” JJ said, putting her hands on her head in distress. “Threatening him with what?”

“I don’t know, exactly. Just asking for information about the FBI or something.” It wasn’t my place to answer questions regarding Reid’s friend. I wasn’t 100% sure what he did and didn’t want them to know, so I tried to be as vague as possible, while also providing bits of the truth. 

“How about you? Are you okay?” Emily asked. I surveyed myself and realized I looked a lot worse than I’d thought. I had slipped on my jacket before entering the hospital, but I neglected to zip it up because everything was so frantic. I had blood all over my jacket and my exposed stomach and bra. I had a few stains on my pants as well, but the worst of it was on my hands. I could tell my hair was ratted because I kept pushing it out of my face as a nervous habit. Which meant there was most likely blood in it as well. 

“Uh, yeah. I’m better than I look,” I lied. I wasn’t injured, but I definitely felt like shit. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Emily said, placing a soft hand on my back, guiding me toward the bathroom. 

I nodded. “That’s probably a good idea.”

I was able to wash off the blood on my hands and stomach, I even put my head under the faucet to clean my hair, but my clothes were a totally different story. I didn’t have any extras, so I was forced to stay in them. I returned to the waiting area with wet hair, clean skin, and my bloodied jacket, now zipped up over my bloody bra. I sat down next to Derek and across from Aaron, Emily opting to stand behind me. 

“Do you think you can answer some questions?” Hotch asked.

“Yeah. For sure.”

“Where did this happen?”

“It was behind an old apartment complex off of Revered.”

“Who were you meeting?”

“Some guy, he called himself Koda.”

“Why were you going to meet him?”

“All Reid told me was that this guy was threatening him and he needed my help. I went to talk to him, just to scare him a little. He was clearly a street rat so I knew he’d know who I am.”

“Did he show up alone?”

“Yes.”

“Did you show up alone?”

“Yes. I told Spencer to stay in the car.”

“What did you say to Koda?”

“I told him to back off, he challenged that, so I tossed him on the ground, dislocated his shoulder, and told him that if he didn’t quit messing with Reid, I wouldn’t stop next time.”

Everyone on the team knew that I could be ruthless, but each time it got explicitly pointed out, I could feel the slight tension radiating from them. I learned that part of that was rage in support of me and part of that was some other mixture of emotions against me. 

“Then what?”

“Then I turned around and Reid was standing there. He wasn’t supposed to be there. I’d told him to stay in the car, I made him _promise_ me to stay in the car. But he was there, so I tried to get us both back to the car quickly. Koda said something so I turned around, and he had drawn his gun. I reached for mine as I pulled Reid behind me. I shot Koda but not quickly enough because the next thing I knew, Reid was collapsing behind me.” Tears started welling up in my eyes at the vivid memory, the gut-wrenching feeling of panic, but I willed them not to spill over.

“What did you do then?”

“I saw that the bullet had hit him in the side and called 911. Spencer asked me about Koda, so I checked to see if he was dead and he was. I tried to apply pressure to his wound with my hands, and that’s when he informed me that it would probably take the ambulance ten minutes to arrive so I knew I had to do something else. I ripped my shirt into strips and knotted them around him, trying to stop the bleeding. It helped, but he started to bleed through onto our hands. That’s when the paramedics showed up and then we were here,” I concluded. They were all nodding at my words, eyes gentle. 

The doctor came out, so we all stood up, practically swarming her. “Doctor Reid is going to be fine,” we all let out a collective sigh of relief, “The bullet grazed his right side and slightly fractured his lower rib. He lost a lot of blood and we had to give him pretty extensive stitches, but he is going to be fine. He will need to be hooked up to his IV over night and put in a brace for the next couple of weeks. You can see him if you want.”

We all pushed by her, nearly tripping over each other, in order to get to his room as fast as we could. He was laying down in the hospital bed, an IV attached to his arm. He smiled at us.

“Hey guys,” he croaked. He tried to sit up but winced and laid back down.

“Hey pretty boy,” Morgan said. “How are you feeling?”

“Terrible actually. How are you?” he asked, directing his attention at me. 

“Well, I’m not the one in the hospital bed,” I countered.

“You always say things like that. For real,” he pleaded.

“I’m fine, rattled at most. Doing a lot better now that I know your dumbass is okay,” I said raising my eyebrows. “Why’d you do that?”

“I was worried when you hadn’t come back after a few minutes. Then I heard screaming and I had to come check on you,” he replied.

“You should have listened to me, I would have been fine. Your first instinct needs to be self preservation.”

“That’s not _your_ first instinct,” he accused.

“Yes it is,” I defended. 

“It may have been at one point, but it isn’t any more. Otherwise you wouldn’t have helped me to begin with,” he argued. 

“Well there are more important people in my life now than just myself.” I looked around at the people standing in that room with me, and I was glad, and honestly relieved, that it was true.

“Aww, how sweet of you! I knew you secretly cared about me!” Morgan teased, giving me a gentle nudge.

“Oh get over yourself,” I rolled my eyes, nudging him back. I looked back at Spencer who was giving me those doe eyes. “Please, just never do that again. That goes for all of you. I don’t ever wanna see anyone else in a hospital bed.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Prentiss said with a smile. 

“Agreed,” Spencer said.

“I hate to break this up, but Aundreya, can I talk to you for a moment?” Hotch asked.

“Sure.” I followed him out into the hallway. “What’s going on?”

“I told the police the events you recounted to me and because it was self-defense, they are going to let you off. Of course, they are required to ask Reid a series of similar questions, corroborating your story, but you should be in the clear.” I nodded. That was good news, but there was something else. “However, because this wasn’t related to a case we were working on, I’m going to suspend you for two weeks.” _There it was._

“Why?”

“A few reasons. What you went through is traumatic, you’ve been working really hard lately, and it would be good for Reid to have someone with him while he recovers. It would be good for _both_ of you. So take the full two weeks and I don’t want to see you back before then,” he gave me a stern look that asked if I understood.

“Okay.”

He turned to walk back into Spencer’s room but quickly added, “And do everyone a favor by getting yourself and Reid clean during this time off.”

* * *

“Let the two weeks commence,” I said, pressing play on the season premiere of ‘Sherlock’. I’d made the executive decision that we were going to stay inside as much as possible, and we were going to binge watch shows and have movie marathons. He made the executive decision that we were going to start with ‘Sherlock’.

I had practically moved into his apartment, my things stuffed into the corner underneath the tv. I brought everything I needed, plus an entire suitcase worth of new books for him to read since he wasn’t supposed to be doing much. The only reason anyone left his apartment was for me to go pick up food, or something else from my place that I decided we needed. I made sure to keep all of the walkways clear, and I watched him like a hawk every time he decided to move. Most of the time I scolded him and got whatever it was for him, but things like the bathroom and showering, those got more complicated. 

He insisted that I go home and sleep at my place, but I was content on his couch. At night, things were the worst. It’s like I could _feel_ his restlessness. He eventually fell asleep, but at around 2am every night, he was waking up from whatever terrifying dream decided to haunt him. I would go into his room and sit with him for a while, sometimes reading to him (he complained he felt childish but I knew he secretly liked it), and then, out of fear I would hurt him laying next to him and wouldn’t be close enough to him from the couch, I slept on the floor. Which he scolded me for every morning. But I didn’t mind. I’d slept on worse. I created a pillow fortress around the whole bed just in case he rolled off, which he informed me was ridiculous and he’d never done in his life, but I told him you can never be too sure. 

Then there was that deal about the drugs. 

We were both getting clean, and considering he was addicted to pain meds, he couldn’t take any pain meds. We had made a deal that every time one of us left the other’s sight, when they came back, we’d check them for drug use. I checked him for an injection site and he checked me for signs of power, and any other symptoms that were associated with the other’s drug. I felt my heart pull a little every time I looked over at him and saw him in that brace. I could tell he was trying so hard to keep it together, but the pain was getting to him.

“It’s okay, you know,” I told him.

“What?”

“To cry.”

“What are you talking about?” he said through a grimace. 

“Or maybe scream, if that’s more your thing.” He looked at me expectantly, so I explained, “Besides the morning and the night, the pain is the worst at around four. It’s four right now. I know it’s not pleasant over there, and I’m just reminding you that it’s okay to let go.”

“You’ve been paying attention to when I’m in the most pain?”

“What else am I going to pay attention to?”

“The tv.”

“The tv is not _nearly_ as interesting as you.”

“So my pain is interesting to you?” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“You know that’s not what I meant. But if you must know, your general health and well-being is definitely a point of interest to me,” I fired back. He gave me a small smile. 

I left to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, he checked me. It had been a few days (I honestly stopped keeping track) and I decided I’d keep things interesting. 

I took off my sweatshirt and turned the pockets inside out. “As you can see, there are no drugs in here.” He nodded, seeming slightly confused as to why I needed to take my sweatshirt completely off to prove that. Next, I stripped off my sweatpants, leaving me in my bra and underwear. I turned those pockets inside out as well and repeated, “There are no drugs in here, either.” 

His eyes seemed conflicted, flicking between my empty pockets, the tv, and my much-on-display body. I did a slow turn, and as I did, I drew attention to my lower half, explaining that I didn’t have any drugs stuffed in my panties.

When I turned back around to face him, I caught his eyes lingering on the delicate lace that shielded the last of myself from him. He looked up into my eyes, realizing I’d noticed him staring, and quickly shifted his gaze back to the tv. I put my sweatshirt back on, but in return removed my bra using the classic locker room trick. I held it up like it was an exhibit at a museum, ready for him to examine. “And finally, there are no drugs in here either.”

He followed the sight of my bra falling from my fingers all the way down to the floor, landing right next to my forgotten sweatpants. I strutted back over to the couch and sat down next to him, letting the knowledge that I was half as clothed as before set in. I pretended to turn my attention back to the tv, but I kept an eye on his reaction out of my peripheral. I had definitely accomplished my goal of distracting him from the pain. 

I continued to tease him the next couple of days, getting a bit more bold as time went on, like making sure to ‘thoroughly check all of the alternative spots’ that one could inject themselves in besides the arm. The bolder I got, the more he slightly squirmed under my touch, even biting his lip once and having a shudder run through his body. I had to compose myself until I turned away, not wanting him to know how much pleasure I got from seeing how much of an effect I had on him. 

After I had teased him for a few days, I decided I’d just toss a delicious idea I’d dreamt of out there and see what happened. 

“So, today you get to test out ‘taking it easy’ without the brace on, huh?” I asked.

“Yep,” he responded.

“How’s the pain?”

“It’s better than it was a week and a half ago. I’m lucky that it was only a super minor fracture, and because I have been following all of the rules so strictly,” he cleared his throat and gave me a pointed look, “it is healing as fast as possible.”

“That is fantastic news. What do you plan on doing first as an unbraced man?”

“I don’t know, actually.”

“May I suggest a shower? The warm water will feel amazing,” I suggested. 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he turned to head toward the bathroom.

I took a giddy deep breath, but tried to sound innocent when I asked, “Would you like any help?” 

“Help with what?” He took a couple paces backwards so he could look at me. 

“Just help. I’d hate for you to slip in the shower your first day out of the brace and not have anyone around to catch you…” I trailed off. His eyes got really wide and his demeanor changed to one of nervousness. Or was that excitement? I couldn’t quite tell. 

He gulped but followed matter-of-factly with, “That _is_ a good point...” 

_Was that a yes? What does that mean? Dammit that was a clever response._

Spencer walked back into the bathroom and turned on the water. I sat there, replaying his response over and over in my head trying to figure out what I should do.

It wasn’t long before I got my answer when he peeked his head out of the door and asked, “Well, are you going to come help me or not?”

_Fuck yeah I’m going to help._

“Of course I am. I’m right behind you,” I said, already halfway to the bathroom. I stripped off my t-shirt and underwear (I sported only those two garments nowadays) and stepped into the bathroom. The room felt amazing, like being hugged with a warm blanket, the mirror already steamed over. Spencer was already in the shower. I took one deep breath and stepped around the curtain. 

He was so perfect. He was facing the water and I watched the droplets collect on his back, then traced them as they ran all the way down it. I was still looking down when he turned around to face me. I was about to do a double take, shocked by his size, but he put a finger under my chin and lifted it up, forcing me to peel my eyes away and look into his own. 

“Hi,” he said in a soft tone.

“Hi,” I replied. I felt frozen in place, drowning in his warm gaze, our only point of contact being just his finger under my chin. I wanted so badly to change that, but I had to remind myself to be gentle. Speaking of, I moved my eyes down his lips, his jaw, his neck, his chest, until I reached the scar on his right side. I slowly lifted my left hand and placed it just under the stitches they'd removed the day before. He shuddered just a little, and I quickly retracted my hand, worried I’d hurt him.

“I’m so sorry-”

“No. It’s okay,” he assured. He reached down and engulfed my hand in his, delicately placing it back on his body, right over the scar. “I trust you.”

I was so thankful that the water was running, otherwise he would have seen the small teardrops that fell from my eyes. I’d never heard more beautiful words come out of a more beautiful mouth, and those three meant the world to me. 

“I would never hurt you,” I whispered. 

He nodded. “I know.”

It was too much to hope that he’d missed my tears, because he cupped my face and gently swiped at the extra moisture collecting on my cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just that … It’s just that I’ve never had anyone trust me the way you do,” I murmured. 

_How come I couldn’t go just one moment where I was supposed to be taking care of him and not have it turn into him comforting me?_

I lightly danced my fingertips over his scar, and he found one of his own to trace his fingers over. I saw him eyeing it the other day, so it didn’t surprise me that out of all the scars on my body, this was the one he chose. It was one deep line that went right between my breasts. He leaned over and planted a single kiss right in the middle, sending a shudder down my spine. I sharply inhaled, and he ghosted his lips over me until they reached my own. I was captivated by how soft they were, how delicate he was being with me, as if I was the one who’d just been shot. He left me wanting more as he pulled away, but there were other things I had my heart set on helping him with. 

For some reason, hair had always been one of the most attractive features to me. Spencer’s hair was like no others’, and I loved getting to thread my fingers through it whenever I could. I couldn’t resist reaching for his shampoo and globbing some on my hands.

“That’s too-”

“Shh,” I said. I had to reach up to get to his hair, but my hands moved with a mind of their own once they got going. I slowly watched more and more bubbles form in his hair as I massaged my hands around his head. He reached his own up, placing them on top of mine to aid in the process, causing me to giggle at the feeling. He removed my hands and I went to get my own shampoo, but I couldn’t help staring at the picturesque sight of him leaning his head back, closing his eyes, and letting the water rid his hair of the suds. I saw his Adam's apple bob when he swallowed, and couldn’t tear my eyes from his hands, methodically pushing his hair back from his face. 

When he opened his eyes again, he almost smirked at the sight of me watching him. He put his hands on my shoulders, and turned me around so that I could no longer see him. He grabbed the loofah I left in there, added some body wash, and deliberately moved it in circular motions on my back. I felt him pause momentarily, probably studying the tattoo on my shoulder blade, but quickly continued. He switched places with me once he thought I was sufficiently scrubbed. 

I felt the water beat down on my back as he wrapped his arms around me. I returned the embrace, both of our breathing hiccupping when his length rubbed against my folds. Neither of us dared to move, not sure if the other was willing to go farther. I put my head down on his chest, my lips leaving an open mouthed kiss on his collarbone in doing so. He rested his head down on top of mine, and we stood there in that embrace for what could have easily been forever. I got up on my tiptoes, forgetting that we were in a delicate situation, having to press my lips together before I reached his ear and whispered, “Let’s get you dried off.”

He reached around me to turn off the water and stepped out. I followed, grabbing the towel off the rack and looping it around him. I wrapped my own towel around me as Spencer turned to face me, stealing one more glance downwards before he could cover himself. We finished getting ready in silence, occasionally glancing over at the other. 

We spent the rest of the night like that, hardly bothering to make small talk. Instead of watching tv, we decided we’d read prior to going to bed. 

I don’t know about Spencer, but I couldn’t make it through a single page without having my mind drift back to him. I knew what I wanted, but my desire was strong enough to cloud my judgement, no longer allowing me to read him properly. I didn’t know exactly what he wanted, so I just sat there fantasizing about the shower and other fun places. 

Finally, I’d had enough, getting out of the chair I was sitting in and moving toward the couch where Spencer was, leaving my book behind. 

“How’s your book?” I asked.

“It’s good. How about yours?” he replied, not even looking away.

I ignored his question. “Is it descriptive?”

“Yes.” He looked up at me with slight confusion.

“That’s good. Being descriptive is a very good thing,” I said. I swung my leg over him, lowering myself down onto his lap. 

He closed his book and put it on the end table next to us. There was a small question in his reply, “It is.”

“Do you think _you_ could describe something to me?” I asked. I ran my hands down his clothed chest, toying with the waistband of his pajama pants. He swallowed, but didn’t protest. 

“And what’s that?” 

I smiled up at him as I started to slide his pants off him. “Is this okay?”

He only nodded in response, his eyes locked on my face. I pulled the remaining bit of underwear off, indulging in the growing erection I found underneath. I lightly stroked one finger down his length, tracing a protruding vein. He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes. 

When I reached the base, I completely grasped him with one hand, pumping it up and down his shaft at an agonizingly slow pace. 

“Describe _this_ to me,” I said in a sultry whisper. His eyes flew open, telling me he didn’t think that was going to be possible. I put my other hand at the back of his neck and quickly swept him into a kiss. When I pulled away I added, “Just do your best.”

Besides the fact that I loved hearing his angelic voice, I wanted to give him a wide open, no shame invitation to express how he was feeling. I knew how awful it was to be in a situation where you felt like you couldn’t speak freely or tell someone what you wanted. This way, I could make sure he was comfortable with what I was doing and I could turn it into a little game where I could tease the hell outta him. 

He nodded, face slightly pinched. “It’s, uh, good. Kind of slow.”

“Aw, you can do better than that,” I said playfully, “Tell it to me like you are reading it out of a detailed novel.”

I picked up the pace slightly for added encouragement. 

“Um, you picked up the pace, but it was still too slow for my liking,” he gave me a questioning look and I gave him a single nod in approval. I started making zig-zag lines with my other hand that was previously on his neck, moving it slowly down his chest. His voice was strained but velvety when continuing, “You’re teasing me, which is fine for now, but I’m hoping that will change soon.”

I gave him a sly smile, finishing the path my other hand had been taking, reaching its destination onto his shaft, allowing it to help please him. “Keep going.”

“I’m inhaling, trying to focus really hard on forming coherent sentences,” he said, breathing starting to labor. I applied a bit more pressure. “I’ve decided to kiss you, needing something more to do with my lips than just talk.” He leaned toward me and kissed me, gasping as he did because I finally increased my pace to one that might be considered reasonable. 

“Fuck,” he breathed.

“Ooh, that’s not part of the narrative,” I commented, my voice heavy with mischief, slowing back down.

“It is now,” he said through clenched teeth, giving me a look that begged me to speed back up. I had to smirk at his irises being swallowed up by the darkness expanding from his pupils. “You slowed down again, but I knew you would speed back up.”

I did as he said, watching his face in amusement as he started forming an idea. 

“You kiss me,” and I did, “and you tug just a bit harder.” 

Again, I followed his directions, allowing him to take some control back as long as he could continue giving them. Spencer smiled slightly to himself, finally picking up on how this little game of mine worked. 

“I’m going to help you out of your shirt, then follow with my own,” he said. His nimble fingers brushed up under my shirt, the cold of his palms sending goosebumps up my warm sides. I put my arms up and he slipped the fabric easily over my head, leaving the piercing air to swarm my exposed body. Soon we were both topless and his gaze swept over my breasts. I could tell he was getting more excited as he continued on, but I decided I wanted some control back. 

I pressed my lips to the base of his jaw as he pulled me flush against him, putting his own on the side of my neck. My hands resumed their previous position as I left a trail of small kisses along his jawline, in between them whispering, “Just keep focusing on those pretty sentences of yours.”

As I moved farther down his neck, he tilted his head back, allowing me more access. I kissed down the column of his throat, then his chest, planting one after the other, slightly sucking at each point. I paused to barely brush my lips against his scar before removing myself from his lap altogether, taking my hands along with me. 

“For some reason you pulled away from me, but I want more. I want a lot more,” he said, staring into my eyes trying to read my ulterior motives. They became blatantly obvious when I sunk down to my knees. I pulled the rest of his clothes completely off him, tossing them to the side, Spencer walking me through it the whole way. 

I looked up at him and flashed him a smile, saying, “Now, I don’t need you to be completely coherent for this, but I do want to hear how you are feeling, so don’t hold back any of the words, or _sounds_ , that come to mind.”

I leaned over and just barely brushed my lips against his tip. Again, I purposely started out at a tantalizing pace, slowly taking him in inch by inch. I strained to keep my eyes on his, wanting to watch him writhe and unfold. He leaned his head back against the couch as his eyes fluttered shut.

I pulled off of him. “I just have one more request.”

“Anything,” he said in a haste, hardly waiting for me to finish my sentence. I had to smile at how eager he was to have me continue.

“I want you to look at me. I want to see your eyes all the way up until you can’t stand it anymore. I want to watch you fall over the edge,” I said. 

He nodded. “Okay.”

I resumed my slow pace, hands on his thighs, only allowing myself to use my mouth for now. I swirled my tongue around him as best I could, eventually just opting to trace it along one of his veins, applying extra pressure there. I finally reached the bottom, holding all of him in my mouth. Only then did I pick up the pace. His hands flew into my hair and he let out a low groan. The deep pitch of it was unexpected coming from him, and it sparked a flame inside my chest that spread throughout my whole body. 

I hummed against him, only dragging out his groan. I allowed my hands to work whatever I couldn’t comfortably fit in my mouth at this pace. I started sucking harder, his member not too far behind me, as he let a string of curses roll off his tongue. I let him fall from me with a satisfying pop, giving him only a moment of reprieve before I pushed him over the edge. His mouth was hanging open and I caught his tongue in a messy kiss before returning my attention back to his cock. 

He quickly caught me before I took him back in. “Don’t. If you do that I’m going to-”

“I know,” I assured slyly, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

I hesitated only for a moment, waiting to see if any more protests were headed my way. When I received none, I traced my tongue all the way down and back. I started intensely sucking at his tip when I had to remind him, “Remember, I want your eyes right here all the way until the last second.”

I took all of him back into my mouth, hollowing out my cheeks as I went. I was pumping up and down him as fast as I could, my hands following suit. 

“Fuck, Aundreya,” he barely got out before I felt him pulse, being overpowered by the moan that followed. He was such a vision, letting all control go, spilling into my throat. I did my best to remember the taste before quickly swallowing, turning my attention to his face. As if he could get any prettier. His head was lulling back, mouth agape and eyes screwed shut in pure ecstasy. I waited for his eyes to flutter back open and look at me before I slowly freed him from my mouth. 

I stood up, drinking in every detail of his naked body sitting there in front of me. If he was the last thing I ever saw, I would die happy.

I turned around so that when I bent over, slipping my panties down my legs, he’d have a perfect view of my ass. I stepped out of them and tossed them his direction. It was my way of warning him about the pool collecting at my core, knowing he’d feel how wet they already were. He dropped them on the ground next to the rest of our neglected clothes, and I extended my hand out to him. He gladly accepted and I led him back to his bedroom. 

I quickly went to shut the blinds and when I turned around, Spencer was right there. He lightly pinned me up against the wall with his already clammy hands on my shoulders. There had always been something about his salacious hands that made me excited, the way his large palms and long, thin fingers could completely control me, but didn't. How he _could_ manhandle me but he respected me enough not to. Not like I’d particularly protest if he decided he wanted to. 

He gave me a brief kiss before enveloping one of my breasts in his hand, the other in his mouth. He rolled his tongue over my hardened nipple and I arched my back toward him away from the cool wall, letting out a gasp. I was already quivering under his touch by the time he ran a finger through my folds. I must have been extra sensitive since I hadn’t had any intimate contact with anyone in almost five years. 

I let out a shaky breath, and he released me from the wall, only to turn right back around and hold me down on the bed. I relinquished any control I might’ve once had in this situation, giving it all to him. He placed his hands on my inner thighs and lightly spread them apart. He took a moment to admire the pool waiting for him. He left open mouthed kisses along my inner thighs, getting dangerously close to where I really needed him. A small whimper left my throat. I wanted to be embarrassed about how sensitive I was and how easily he was unraveling me, but I couldn’t. The blissful feeling I got from every contact point radiated through my body, easily overcoming any embarrassment I could muster. 

“Could I make _you_ form coherent sentences right now?” he asked with a smug smile, knowing damn well what the answer was.

“Definitely not,” I breathed and he chuckled. He gave me a chaste kiss, immediately contrasted by running his tongue over my clit, licking up the excess moisture on the way. I involuntarily lifted my hips up, but he placed an arm over them, holding them down. He expertly sucked at my nerves, causing me to press my lips together and cling to the bedsheets for dear life. Then he abruptly stopped.

“That’s not fair. You wanted to hear everything I had to offer, and now it’s your turn. I don’t want to see you press your lips together again,” he purred, quietly but sternly. I nodded, unwilling to hear how pathetic my voice would have sounded had I responded. 

He went right back to what he was doing, lapping over me a bit faster than before. I let another whimper escape me and he mumbled, “There. That’s more like it.”

Right after he’d finished talking, his tongue plunged into me. My hands moved, needing to touch him, one landing in his hair, the other on his cheek. His hands kept me from bucking my hips toward him like I wanted, so I settled for lightly tugging at his roots. This only encouraged him. He replaced his tongue with two fingers and my breathing hitched. His pace was excruciatingly slow, which I guess I deserved. My breathing became labored and the moment he picked up the pace, curling his fingers inside me, I emptied my lungs, a high pitched moan ripping through my torso. I was already so close to the edge and he wasn’t letting up. He must’ve been returning the favor from earlier.

“Spencer-” before I could get anything else out, he removed his fingers and held them up to my face. I took them in my mouth, ridding each one of my fluids. Just as quickly as they came, they left, pushing back into me. My hands moved under his jaw where he was adding extra friction, attempting to pull him away from me. He wasn’t about to let that happen, so he took each one of my hands in one of his and pinned them on either side of me, simultaneously allowing him to press down my legs with his arms. His tongue persisted on its way to finishing me, and I interlaced my fingers with his right as I came undone.

“Fuck! Oh my god, Spencer, fuck,” I spoke through moans. I hadn’t experienced anything like that, anything that _strong_ before, and I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head. How would I survive him fully inside me? I desperately wanted to find out. He finally came up for air after placing one last delicate kiss on my clit. He crawled up the bed so he was looming over me, perfectly positioned at my entrance. I hooked my hand around his neck and pulled him down to me. I put my other hand right on his scar, asking, “How does this feel?”

“If I’m being honest, I completely forgot about it.” 

I smiled knowing that I was making for a great distraction. “Good. Let’s keep it that way for a while.”

He nodded in agreement and reached over my head to a drawer. He pulled out a small package but I stopped him before he tore it open.

“We don’t have to,” I said. 

He stopped quickly and looked at me, puzzled. “We don’t have to use one if you don’t want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I’m covered,” I said. I’d been on birth control since I was fourteen, and once I joined the gang, they did everything in their power to make sure that none of their ‘special ladies’ ever got pregnant. I knew that there was absolutely no chance of that now, so there was really no reason to use one. Plus, I really wanted to experience all of him, nothing in the way.

The remains of a question lingered on his face, but he placed it back in his drawer. We didn’t have to get into that right now.

He leaned back slightly to line himself up, then he slowly pushed into me, my only warning being the look he gave me right before. I gasped as he filled me to the hilt. He slowly rocked into me, letting me adjust. I circled my hips under him finding the best position as he rested his head in the crook of my neck. I could feel his hot breath in time with his shallow thrusts. 

That’s when the flashbacks hit me. 

We weren’t in Spencer’s room anymore, not even in his apartment. The walls morphed into those of concrete slightly stained with water, the rhythmic sound of droplets dripping into a puddle behind me. It was dark and cold, and I could feel the springs of the dirty mattress moving beneath me, the musty air blanketing the room. I went to find comfort in Spencer but he wasn’t there anymore. The body looming over me, pushing into me, breathing down my neck was not Spencer. Instead, I found a man with an all too familiar buzz cut, tattoos littering his neck, and those chilling grey eyes that matched the unforgiving scenery surrounding us. I started to panic. It was this man who’d drugged me and tossed me around to his friends before using me, who’d held me down and choked me into submission, and who left me bloody, bruised, and broken.

My breathing became shallow, vision blurring, and my heart rate rapidly increased. 

“Stop,” I could barely hear myself, but Spencer got the message.

He quickly pulled out and was sitting on his knees, looking me over. “What? Are you okay, did I hurt you?”

He sounded alarmed, but I shook my head. “No, no. You were perfect. I just … I just had a moment.”

“A moment?” he asked, timid.

“A flashback,” I explained. Realization spread through his glorious features and he started to back away from me. “No, it’s okay,” I grabbed him before he could move any farther away from me, terrified that if he left me I would shatter, pulling him into a hug. I could feel the heat between us and the meager sweat that was clinging to our bodies. My breathing was still unsteady as I shook the images from my head. I breathed him in, the sweet smell of autumn and cinnamon reminding me that it was just Spencer.

He tentatively put his hands around me, returning the hug. He repeated in my ear, “You’re safe. I’ve got you. It’s just me. You’re safe.”

I nodded into his shoulder. I felt ashamed and overexposed, wanting to pull the sheets around me, but I was too paralyzed to even move. I didn’t want to make things worse and I certainly didn’t want to scare Spencer away, assuming I hadn’t already done that. I couldn’t bring myself to actually look at him, knowing the worry in his eyes would only fuel the guilt that threatened to drown me. 

_How many more moments with Spencer would be ruined? Why couldn’t I just leave my past behind and move on?_

I reminded myself that what happened wasn’t my fault, but every time the memories were triggered, that’s how I felt. 

I slowed my breathing until I had it under control. “Thank you. I’m so sorry.”

Spencer pulled away but only slightly so that he had a better view of my face. He looked astonished. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.”

“I know, it’s just that I want this, I want _you_ , and of course my problems have to get in the way.”

“Don’t say that,” he said as I sat up a little, letting him cradle me in his arms. “We can take it slow.”

“I know, but I’m tired of taking it slow. I’m tired of not going after what I want because I’m scared. I'm tired of letting this get in the way,” I said, forcing myself to bite back the tears. He looked at me with as much sympathy as he could.

“What do you want me to do?” he whispered, concern swimming in his eyes. 

I sat completely up and kissed him, letting my hands roam his body. He stayed perfectly still, careful not to do anything that would upset me. Without pulling away from the kiss, I gripped his hands from behind my back and placed them on my hips. He kept them there, unmoving, as my hands went to cup his face. I relocated my lips, planting a kiss on each of his sharp cheekbones.

“Close your eyes,” I told him, placing a gentle kiss on top of each eyelid. I pressed my forehead to his, letting our noses slightly rub against each other’s. “ _I want_ _you._ ”

Spencer opened his eyes, looking right through me, making sure that this was what was truly going through my mind. He moved his hands from my hips, putting one on my lower back and the other behind my neck. He carefully laid me back down on his bed, moving back in between my legs. I wrapped them around his body trying to show him that it was okay, but I knew him better than that and he’d still be hesitant. Because he was _nothing_ like those men.

I looked him straight in the eyes as I whispered, “I’m alright. I trust you.”

It was his turn to be on the teary-eyed end of this conversation. I brushed away his tears before they could fall and he promised me, “I would _never_ hurt you.”

“I know.”

For the second time that day, he bent over and kissed the scar between my breasts. He looked up at me, eyes still glistening. “You are so strong.”

I didn’t feel strong and I wanted to break down, melt into nothing in his arms, but I forced myself to stay composed. I knew it was too much to ask of him but if there was one person on this planet that I could get over his hurdle with, it was Spencer Reid. 

He looked at me expectantly. I took a deep breath and said, “I’m ready.”

Slowly, even slower than before if that was possible, he pushed back into me. My head swam from the overwhelming mixture of emotions. 

He gauged my reaction, and after a few moments, decided to start moving a little faster. “Is this okay?”

“Yes,” I said. “I want you to take control.”

He was about to ask me something, probably if I was sure, but he thought better of it. “Please just tell me if you need me to stop. I don’t want you to push yourself past what you’re ready for.”

“I won’t. I’ll tell you if it gets to that,” I replied.

Soon enough, he started getting faster and faster, continually checking if I was okay. I wanted him to stop worrying about me, which I knew was impossible, but put my hands in his hair and pulled him down to my chest anyway. I took away his option of looking at me, and tugged at his beautiful, chaotic, wavy locks when he hit that spot just right. In doing so, I gave myself greater access to his neck and I took full advantage, biting and sucking at various spots. I could feel him every time he thrust into me and I moved to start lightly biting at his traps, trying to stifle my moans against his skin. He kept pushing deeper and deeper into me, and I scraped my nails all the way down his back. He grunted slightly at the stinging I was sure followed, but I was too busy paying attention to the fingers that were now circling my clit. I was close to my second orgasm, but I held out, wanting to wait for Spencer. In my efforts, I had to put my head back on the pillow, looking almost directly behind me. My nails found anything they could sink into, surly leaving marks down his sides and biceps. My breath quickened as my legs started to tremble. I licked my lips and bit my bottom one, trying to hold out for any sign that he would be right behind me. His thrusts finally became sloppy and he looked down at me, seeming to know that I was waiting for him.

“Let go,” he said, the sound of his voice the missing piece I’d been waiting for. My walls clenched around him and he emptied himself, our fluids mixing together inside me. My moans were on the brink of screams as he helped us both ride out the orgasms that washed over us. Once we had both returned to earth, he just stayed hovering over me, not making a move to pull out. I just looked up at his glowing figure, letting out a sigh of relief. 

“What’s that for?” His tone was gentle.

“It’s just that you are the first person I have ever actually wanted to have sex with,” I said, the realization also hitting me. 

His eyes got huge and he seemed astounded. “ _What_?”

“Yeah,” I said, giving him a shy smile. “And you helped me through one of the biggest hurdles I have ever experienced.”

He mirrored my smile pulling out, and walked to his bathroom to get a towel. The same towel I’d dried off with earlier that day. _Had it really only been this morning that I was showering with him?_

He spread my legs again, wiping our mess off of me. When he was done, he just dropped the towel on the floor, mumbling something about picking it up in the morning, and came to lay down next to me. He rolled onto his side to face me and winced.

“Oh yeah. How is it?”

“Fine,” he said, struggling onto his back again.

“Wrong.”

“It _is_ fine. I just can’t lay on that side of my body.”

Without another word, I got up from my side of the bed and walked around to his side. I laid down facing him, giving him the opportunity to roll onto his good side. 

“Thank you.” 

“Mhm,” I replied. I gazed at him dreamily, still not fully able to comprehend what had just happened. 

“I’m surprised you didn’t want control,” he whispered after a while of silence.

“I don’t want control. I’m sick of being in control. I just want to let go. I want to not have to worry about the walls I’ve put up, knowing that there is someone I trust, someone other than myself, taking care of me for the moment. I mean, sometimes I don’t even think _I’m_ doing a good job taking care of me,” I complained, and he nodded in understanding. “I know you’re the opposite.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean that you like being in control. I can tell that sometimes you feel like things in your life are just slipping away from you, and this is a place where you can try to counter that feeling.”

He just nodded, seeming almost embarrassed by that, but it was nothing to be ashamed of. We laid side by side just facing each other, Spencer’s hand tracing the curves of my body. He eventually broke pattern and traced along my collarbone and down to the scar he seemed to have a slight fascination with. 

“It commemorates the end of an era for me. The end of the gang, and the last time I was ever taken advantage of,” I explained.

“You don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to,” I took a shaky breath in and looked into his soft eyes. He knew in a general sense some of the things I’d been through, and he knew more than anyone else in my life, but I’d never told him in detail what happened. Actually, I’d never told anyone. This was something I kept closed up in the depths of my mind, but he’d already seen some of it, and I trusted him to see all of it. It might be nice, too, to not have to deal with everything alone for once. I rubbed my thumb into my palm as I started, “There was a group of men in the gang that targeted me, probably because I was young and naïve. I didn’t know how gangs worked. The only thing I knew was that if you wanted to survive, you had to get to the top. The head of this clique was the right hand to Rafael, the leader of the entire gang, so angering him, _refusing_ him, wasn’t an option. They were a messed up sort of protection system. They would come to my rescue out on the streets, only to turn back around and make me pay for it. They had me believing that I had no way out, that I would die without their protection. Plus, Rafael trusted this man with his life, so him and his buddies weren’t going anywhere. And neither was I. I had _nowhere_ to go, so I did nothing. It’s not like Rafael was going to listen to me over him anyway. So when he passed me around to all of his friends like I was nothing more than a blunt, I didn’t fight them. I couldn’t. All fighting did was get me beat beforehand, and I figured that it was bad enough without their fists involved. After that, they would drug me and force me to …” I choked on the words and decided I’d skip over that part. I didn’t want to paint that image into his perfect memory and have him think of it every time he saw me. “Once things started going awry for the gang and we all knew we were going under soon, he and his friends got more frustrated which meant they needed an outlet more than ever. But _because_ things were going to be over soon, I started fighting back harder than I ever had. On the night before the gang officially crumbled, he gave me this. He told me that I wasn’t going to be able to escape the sinking ship this time. I’d made it out of so many near-death experiences at that point, the Storefront Slaughterer, the house fire, gang conflicts, police conflicts, and imprisonment, unscathed, that he thought this would finally be the hill I died on. He sliced me open like the animals he hunted, hoping that I’d bleed out. For a while, this ruined me, everyday waking up and remembering everything that was associated with it,” I admitted. It made me feel like other men, good men like Spencer, would look at me and see that I was weak and broken, driving them away. He put it right in the center, which felt like he was destroying the center of my soul, draining the love straight out of my heart. “Sometimes it still does that, but I'm trying to get better. Every time I see it now, I remind myself that I survived,” I pressed his hand flat to my chest, allowing him to feel the rhythmic beating below, “that I do have a heart pumping blood through my veins, that I am only human, and that I am stronger because of it.”

He leaned in to kiss me and I faded into him, our hands still pressed against my bare chest. I was thankful he didn’t say anything, instead pulling me to him, beginning to fuse my broken pieces back together as he did so. He left a pile of moppy brown curls in my face and I reached my free hand up to play with the loose ones on the edges, not willing to risk losing the warmth of his hand on my chest by moving mine. I shifted onto my back and Spencer barely opened his eyes, wondering what I was doing. I guided his head onto my shoulder as he curled into me, both of us quickly falling asleep after the emotionally draining day.

* * *

I woke up to find that neither of us changed position throughout the night, sleeping soundly with our hands still stacked over my heart. I moved my other hand from his hair, brushing my fingertips over his back, over his side, over his hip bone, ending with my hand resting on his lower stomach. We had both slept nude, the sheets a disaster around us. I didn’t even notice he was awake until I felt his hair streak across my body.

“Good morning,” he said, voice groggy.

“Good morning,” I responded through a yawn. 

He sat up and I saw the red marks my nails left on his body. I caressed my fingertips over the sensitive spots and got up on my knees behind him, mumbling into his hair, “I hope I didn’t scrape you up too badly.”

He reached over his shoulders and guided my hands from his back over onto his chest. I crossed them over his body, embracing him from behind. 

“No. I like them,” he said way too innocently. I smiled to myself and leaned around him to kiss his temple before I untangled myself from him. 

We both got dressed (barely), and operated our day as usual. The mandatory two weeks was coming to a close soon, so we both absorbed as much of this peaceful alternate universe as we could. Hotch was right. We both desperately needed time off. 

But there is no better way to end ‘vacation time’ than to be in a panic.

Ever since that night, we both slept together in his bed. I think we both really enjoyed having the safety and comfort of the other around as much as possible.

Sunday night before we were supposed to return to work on Monday, I woke up to an empty bed. I listened to see if I heard Spencer somewhere else in the apartment, and when I didn’t, I got up to check. I went to the bathroom, the kitchen, even his tiny balcony and he was nowhere to be found.

“Spencer?” I called out.

No response.

“Spencer!”

_Where the hell is he?_

My mind started to work frantically and I looked around for my phone. The adrenaline coursing through me made my hands shake as I dialed his number. I took a couple deep breaths, knowing that he was probably fine and would be back soon.

That thought changed when I heard a faint ringing in the background. 

_No, no, no, no._

I raced to where I heard the ringing, finding his phone left under a stack of papers on his desk. My mind went to the worst places of what could have happened, what could be happening. I quickly threw on my sweatshirt and slipped on a pair of shoes, and hurried out the door. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was thinking I’d do. It’s not like I could just wander the streets looking for him. I got about halfway down the stairs, practically running Spencer over.

“Aundreya! What are you doing?”

“I could ask you the same question!” I retorted, exasperated.

“I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to bother you with my restlessness. I just walked down to the street for some fresh air,” he replied. My mind was working 100 miles an hour so I couldn’t gauge how truthful that was. 

“What the hell!’” I whacked his arm. “I was worried and you left your phone in the apartment.”

“I’m sorry. I thought I’d be back before you woke up,” he said. He sounded honest enough and I couldn’t think of anything else he’d be doing. _Except…_

“Show me your arms,” I demanded. He sighed but rolled up his sleeves. I examined his arms and then his eyes, looking for any sign of drug use. I forced him to empty his pockets, making sure he didn’t have any drugs still on him.

“I promise you that I was not taking dilaudid,” he said. I looked straight into his eyes, trying to detect any hint of a lie. 

When I found none I said, “Alright. Let’s get back upstairs. We can still try and get another four hours of sleep before we have to wake up again to go to work.”

When we got back to his room, I was still shaking from the adrenaline. Luckily, the release from knowing that nothing had happened made me quite tired. He slipped into bed next to me.

“You know, I really enjoy work and the people we work with, but I have to say these last two weeks with you were amazing,” he murmured.

“I agree. I’m going to miss this,” I replied.

“Mhm.” 

“No one can know about this.”

“I know. I don’t want them to.”

I squinted my eyes open. “I know we’d get into trouble, but why _wouldn’t_ you want them to know?”

“I like this space we’ve created. I don’t want anyone else encroaching on it, tainting it. I like having this just be between you and me.”

_You and me._

I liked the sound of that.


End file.
